18 years ago today you and I met for the first time. I was a first time mother just shy of turning 21 and terrified of doing all the wrong things. There was a magic I can't describe when the doctor laid you on my chest at that moment I knew my life was in for a drastic change. I watched you grow, I watched you crawl, I consoled you when you cried and oh the endless nights I rocked you to sleep in our rocking chair - just you and me rocking away in the dark in the wee hours of the night and morning - what ever happened to that chair. And of course like all parents, I made a lot of mistakes. Ones I have wished more times than I can count that I wish I could take back. I was a young military wife with a newborn child thousands of miles away from home but somehow seeing your smile and hearing your laugh every day made life easier to bear.
things weren't always easy for you. Something changed in you and I'm not terribly sure of the exact moment but things changed. and then the life you knew changed when your father and I seperated. and maybe you blamed yourself. I can only hope you didn't. It certainly wasn't your fault. I was sick and unhappy; possibly clinically depressed. And that wasn't your fault either. Again more horrible memories I wish I could to back and change. Demons that haunt me even still. But you were such an amazing child always happy and loving. How I loved watching you play. Your wild and vivid imagination. And always with a smile. Keeping your feelings locked up deep inside of you. I always wished I could just reach in and unlock that door and let the YOU inside come barrelling out. Then you started to struggle with school but you always wanted to do your best. I made the best decisions I could for you at the time and you were thriving and growing and learning. But deep down you were still distant.
And then more life changes ones. I don't think you understood. And ones that I don't think you have ANY idea how hard they were for me. Quite possibly the worst day of my life. But sometimes parents can't be selfish and have to do what is best for our children which I thought I did. And I have regretted that decision every day of my life since. I've tried everything I could to stay involved in your life despite other peoples efforts. I can only hope you know how much I love you and wish I could have given you a better life.
And now you are knocking on the door of adulthood. Have you been given all the tools you need to succeed on life? To make the best of your life possible. I want you to be strong, independant, sucsessful ,happy, safe, loved. You have had a lot of unfairness and tough breaks. You did things I never would have thought possible but never hated you; if anything I was disappointed on how things were handled. But again my input was never allowed.
As you celebrate today, celebrate YOU- the people who truly love you and know what a gift you are. you ARE smart - you ARE worthwhile and worthy. You ARE important. You ARE unique. You are MY son and I thank you for coming into my life . As long as the gods above will let me, I will spend the rest of my years tryng to repair the damages done and the hurt my bad decision have caused.
18 years ago today I met the most amazing young man that I am proud to call my son. I love you Ryan. I love you more than Oreos and pie! :)
