So little time

I can't help but feel like life just keeps slipping away. Time is moving faster than I can keep up with. Not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do, and certainly not enough to do everying I NEED to do.

I'm blessed with wonderful healthy children. Their laughter echoes in my mind, and their fabulously warm hugs embrace my soul and help me through the toughest of times. When I think I can't go further, I think of them.

I am blessed with an amazing man who loves me despite all my many quirks, my Irish temper, and the fact that I am a gemini female who often doesn't know up from down. We've been through some very tough times, but at the end of the day, nothing makes it all melt away like when he kisses me on my forehead goodnight.

I have a job. It's not a GREAT job, definately not my IDEAL job, but it's a job. I have a very large loving family. Over the years the rose color has faded from the lenses and I'm starting to see that things aren't like I hoped they would be or like I remember them being. But I can't let that drag me down. They are all just human. And they love me no matter what. They may not be there in ways that I would hope they would be, but they do their best I suppose.

And then there are my friends. I have so many people in my life that it's so hard to touch them all. I guess - or I can hope - it will be a very full house the day I die. I hate that I have so many friends, but only a small few that are so near to my heart that it hurts when I miss them. As much as I miss my own children.

All my life I've been the kind of person that just needed and wanted approval of others. Trust me, no shrinks needed to tell me where that need stems from. I already know. But it doesn't change who I am and what I am. I've been hurt more times than I can count in my 38 years. Each hurt taking a little bit more of me away. I was always afraid that so much of me would be gone, that I would not have anything more to give. I am not even sure that most of the people in my life know the pain I've been through. I tend to hibernate when things get tough or life gets too unbearable. Again because I feel like I always have to be "happy" so people will like me. It's hard for me to let down walls and just be me. I remember being just "bleh" in school one day, just a mediocre day, nothing special going on - just was quiet. And so many people asked me what was wrong. Thats the problem with always be "on". People dont' really see the hurt or pain deep inside. I learned from a very early age how to hide my pain and to just pretend everything was okay because all I ever wanted was to be "normal". Ha... normal.. What a concept! What's normal ! right?

I think all of this is starting to surface because I'm going to have to visit old ghosts and old memories this coming weekend at our high school reunion. It will be great to see so many of my friends that I haven't seen in years. And even some I've seen just recently. Modern technology has certainly helped to keep me in contact with most. But there are others who will be there who I know will judge me. They judged me then, they will judge me again. I had hoped I would be thicker skinned by now, but underneath it all, I'm still me - a timid little girl who just wants to be liked.

I'm just trying to remind me of the many gifts I have in my life, and dismissing the "meanies" and those who will judge me without even knowing me